“I think any person who aspires, presumes, or feels the calling to be an artist has a built-in sense of duty.”
“I didn’t really mind being different because I perceived that it was connected with creativity.”
This is so true.
It’s Sunday and I’m awake since 10am. Sadly I went to bed at 4am. Means I slept 6 hours. I feel really tired, it’s afternoon and I didn’t even leave my bed yet apart from making me a coffee and a tea.
I stared at my walls from 10am for about two hours. That’s because I observed my phone and was thinking about stuff happened last night. On my phone. Then I got up and opened the curtains, made a coffee and stared out of my bedroom window for another 30 minutes. Sometimes I wish I was stupid.
The most people think I’m a bubbly, outgoing, crazy, amazing, positive person celebrating life every day like it would be the last day. Which is true in some parts. But if you have one extremely positive good side, there must be another side – right? Like the extreme opposite. Like Yin and Yang. Black and white. Good and bad. Something that keeps me on the ground so I can’t take off into the sky, heaven. Seventh heaven! And there is ..
Anyway as I ‘observed’ my phone carefully this morning I saw that I called my friend Ross 6 times! 6 times after he left the party around 2am. Why would I do this? He is gay!! I always call him ridiculously often when I’m drunk, persuading him to come. I don’t know what the hell is going on in my head. He must think I’m mental. I want a pin on Ross number so I can’t call him drunk anymore.
I was in such a bad condition as I walked to my bus in Shoreditch that I nearly fell over 3 times. Ross came to see Matt last night, a very good friend (gay) who is leaving shortly. Going back to Australia, his home. I’m very sad. Ross stayed only an hour. He was so drunk as we picked him up he was sitting somewhere east London in a dark corner waiting for us haha. Drunk people taking care of drunk people – always the same.
The only and last thing I can remember are his hands around my face and he kissed me quick on my lips then left!! (Then couldn’t get out of the door. I couldn’t get out of that door earlier, it’s an awful door. Won’t open easy, imagine being drunk doesn’t make it simpler). Please don’t kiss me like that again, it irritates me!!!
He stayed at my place 2 weeks ago as we went out. He always stays at someones place at the weekend because he lives quite far out in London. In the morning he kinda stormed into my bedroom ‘KAT OH ITS YOUR FLAT! I JUST WOKE UP AND THOUGHT…WHERE AM I. Then I saw this envelope with KB***. Oh ok its KAT’S flat! KAT WHY DID YOU LET ME SLEEP ON THIS UNCOMFORTABLE COUCH??!’ Well because you were so drunk and just felt asleep there.
He crawled into my bed and we hold hands and talked shit. ‘Kat I thought this place belongs to a BRUNETTE’ Ross, wtf do you mean??? ‘Well, this place looks like a place from a Brunette’. Ok ok, but I am blonde. I will do my best to make the place a blondie home. ‘Kat, as I woke up I was wondering WHAT GAY GUY WOULD LEAVE ME SLEEPING ON HIS COUCH’ hahaha. Ross, omg. Then we felt asleep. He makes me laugh a lot. As Matt would say ‘he is an experience’. A very lovely one.
So I was thinking about why did I call him 6 times. And how awful does it look. I will never call him again – ever.
The other ‘thing’ that kept my mind so busy – oh I enjoy mindfucks in the morning by the way haha – was a voicemail someone left me in the morning. I didn’t hear the phone ringing at 5am because I was actually sleeping away in fairy land. I really like him. I mean, I really really like him… hearing his voice put a smile on my face then I was sad. It’s not easy sometimes. Things in life are challenging. I’m good in facing challenges, not good in losing.
I didn’t fall in love with a guy since a long long time. It’s simply because I’m very picky, have a keen eye for detail and most guys don’t see the things I see. Life.
Some people fall in love every month. I don’t. I’m very careful with emotional things.
This time. I was wondering why my heart beats faster when I hear or talk to him. Or as I saw him. And with everything he did he made moments so special even if I don’t share a room with him. Do you know what I mean? He inspires me a lot. He did.
If I would have a free wish..
And a last kiss..
If I would have less heart. But I don’t. I wear my heart on my sleeves.
“Were I the Moor, I would not be Iago.
In following him, I follow but myself;
Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
But seeming so, for my peculiar end;
For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In complement extern, ’tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve.
For daws to peck at. I am not what I am.” (Shakespear)
How do I know it’s love. What is love.
I know he will read this probably and it feels awful :( haha. ‘Hallo!’
Ignoring things does help – sometimes. But, if you ignore these things happening. It hits your right back in the face.